Lost but Not Forgotten
by Nina Elric
Summary: Roy loses his memory and Riza helps him recover. Very long... Bad summary, I know... Very Mild Angst and Romance. A little language... First FMA fic! R&R Necessary! Slightly AU... I think... Just read it...


Lost but Not Forgotten

Nina Elric

**DISCLAIMER**

I do not own FMA or any of its characters. They are the sole property of their creators...

**INTRODUCTION**

"Where could he be?"

Riza wondered the out-post hoping to find Roy asleep somewhere; he had a knack for sleeping under any condition. She went through all the barracks. She went out of her way every so often to make sure that he hadn't slipped into his office without her noticing. But he was never there.

"Why am I looking for him?" she said at an attempt to resolve her search, "That idiot's probably out in the town. Why doesn't he at least tell me where he's going?"

She sat heavily in Roy's large leather chair. She spun the seat around a few times on its axis. The comfortable chair as well as the calming rocking motion eased Riza Hawkeye to sleep.

**ROY**

He didn't want her to know where he was going. She would've worried if he told her.

"What a crummy day," he murmured under the hood of his rain slicker.

It was raining, but it was one of those days that he just needed to get out.

Central was the same as it had ever been. The perpetual bustling of people in the markets made Roy feel at home.

_Back home…I guess…_

He sighed miserably. The second uprising had been put down and all he was left with was the vivid memories of death and suffering. Since the rebellion he had said that he would never kill another human being again… but he did… and it hurt. When the pain surfaced he went for a walk. It was his way of coping.

He turned down a less crowded street and continued to walk. He was heading for the town park. All he wanted was to sit and let the rain wash over him. It could never completely wash away the terrible things he had done, but it did get him through another week.

"Hey!"

Roy stopped to listen for the whispering voice.

"Hey you! You're an alchemist, aren't you?"

"Um… Yes, I am… but…"

"Then come with me."

Roy looked around himself in the rain. He couldn't see anyone around. Maybe he was just going nuts… He knew that it would only be a matter of time before he went off the deep end.

"Here," a hand reached out of a dark alley way.

"I don't think that I could be of any use…"

"But you're an alchemist. Just try…"

"But I'm the Flame Alchemist! I can't heal anything!"

The voice did not return to him.

"Flame Alchemist?" the voice changed slightly, "Well, I still want you to at least look at the situation."

Roy sighed.

_Be thou for the people…_

"Fine, just show me the way…"

**A WAKE UP CALL FOR RIZA**

"Colonel!"

She wasn't used to that title yet, but since Roy had left it, it was her's.

"Colonel!"

She slowly came out of her uncomfortable sleep. Sitting up in the large chair, she saw a young officer dancing in the doorway.

"What is it Ensign?"

"It's the Brigadier General!"

_Roy…_

"What is it!" she shouted as she stood up abruptly from her chair, pushing it back with her momentum.

"Well… You have to see!"

Riza got up and put on her rain coat.

"Where is he?"

"St. Joseph's hospital…"

Riza's eyes widened.

"Take me there!" she barked.

The officer led her out to a black Crossly Chester. She sat in the back. It was so uncomfortable back there… She was fidgeting wildly behind the officer. Maybe it was just because she was worried.

_Worried… About Roy? Pah, the moron probably did something reckless and stupid… When I get there I'm going to smack some damned sense back into him!_

By the time they pulled into the hospital parking lot, the rain had turned into a deluge. The younger officer got out of the car and opened an umbrella, intending it to be used for Hawkeye, but by the time he had it open she was already at the door. He closed the useless thing and tossed it back into the car.

As the ensign walked into the lobby, Riza was already locating Roy at the main desk. The man sighed as he shook his coat out. He decided that it would be best to leave Hawkeye to her own affairs.

Roy was on the fifth floor… the recovery wing… room 205…

The woman at the desk wouldn't tell her what was had happened. The anxiety was welling up in her chest.

When she reached the fifth floor she ambled around rather pathetically looking for Roy's room.

_Well… maybe I am a bit worried about him… but not enough to have a panic attack…_

She stopped in the middle of a hall. She took a few deep breaths and straightened out her uniform.

"There…"

She watched a man in a white coat back out of a room with a clip board in his hands.

"Excuse me…"

"You must be here to see Mustang," he said when he looked up from his papers; "He's in here."

He led her back down the hall and into the room he had just left.

Riza winced as she entered the sterile environment. Everything was white, even the light. It was terrible. She wanted to leave so badly. If Roy was in a room like this, then he must have been in worse shape then she had imagined. She wasn't sure she wanted to see him, but she was here and there was no backing out now.

As the doctor pulled back the white curtains, Riza saw something that brought tears to her eyes. Roy was lying out on the bed. She could barely tell he was alive from his sickly pallor of his skin. There were bandages wrapped around his head; they were a sickly shade of pink.

"Is that…" she murmured as she pointed at the bandages.

"Blood, yes."

Riza's body was shaking uncontrollably.

"Here," the doctor took her arm and led her around the side of the bed where a small wooden chair stood.

She collapsed heavily into the chair as the doctor began to explain everything he knew.

"He was found by a civilian lying up against a dumpster with a huge bludgeon wound on the side of his head. We picked him up and brought him here where we fixed the wound to the best of our abilities. Throughout all this he's been unconscious."

"Who did this?" she asked as she lifted a shaky fist to her mouth.

The doctor shook his head, "We have no idea. The local law enforcement is looking into that.

"He's in a coma right now, but some studies say that if you talk to him regardless, he may hear you. They say it stimulates the mind; gives it a jump start."

Riza nodded painfully.

The doctor stood a moment in silence before turning to leave the room.

"I'll leave you two alone for a while."

Riza watched him leave the room. Once she was sure he was gone, she got up and closed the door. When she returned to her seat the tears began to roll.

"What happened, Roy? What did you do? Who did this to you?"

Roy didn't answer.

Riza sighed and sniffed as she wiped a stray hair from his eyes.

She had always been able to separate work form pleasure. What she wanted was to be with Roy forever. She didn't know if he was just stupid and ignored her attempts to get close to him or he was dealing with it differently than her. She hoped that he felt the same way. She hoped that everything would be alright, just so they could take an extended leave from the outpost. Get to know and understand each other better… but none of that would be possible if Roy didn't survive.

**DECISIONS**

Riza had been in and out of the hospital countless times over the past month. Roy was the same each time; dead-looking and unresponsive. Finally, on that notable day in November, the doctor came to her again.

"You do understand that Roy's chances are slim and that the fact that he's lived this long is amazing?" Riza nodded, "Well, it's been a month, and I've talked about it with the best there is in this field right now. They say that if he hasn't responded in a month, then probably won't respond again. This leaves us with a difficult decision. Right now we are doing the best we can for Roy, but apparently it's ineffective. So, here it is: we can continue to care for this vegetable of a general, or we can allocate our resources to where they are truly needed."

"What… What do you mean?" Riza was sure she didn't want to find out.

"I mean, Colonel, that maybe its time to let the Flame Alchemist burn out," Riza looked at him stupidly, the doctor sighed, "It may be time to let Roy move on," Riza still refused to register what he was saying, "It may be time to let him finally die."

"No…" Riza was weak and so were her words, "You cant…"

"That's right, I can't. It's in your hands now. It's up to you. Think about it. The right answer will come to you soon."

With that the doctor nodded and walked away, leaving Riza standing alone in the doorway to Roy's room. She was frozen. What could she do? She loved Roy so much, how could she be the one to let him die? But maybe that would have been what he wanted… Roy had always been an enigma.

When her mind finally came back to reality, she wandered slowly into the room and sat at Roy's side. She held his lifeless hand in her own.

"What do you want me to do, Roy? Please tell me… please, I need to know…"

She was crying again. She had never known she could cry this much.

She laid her head down on the bed beside Roy's body.

"I love you, Roy. And though you are a bit of a pompous jerk sometimes, I want to spend the rest of my life with you…"

She sighed. All this crying had left her dizzy and exhausted. Her eyes shut heavily and she slept at Roy's side.

**THE PAINFUL TRUTH**

In her sleep, Riza could feel something moving beside her.

"Get off the bed, Black Hayate…" she murmured.

She stretched her arm out to knock the dog that wasn't there off the bed. When her hand was met with nothing and something in her back began to hurt, her eyes opened slowly to find an empty hospital bed.

"Roy!" she screamed when the scene finally registered in her weary mind.

She was on her feet in an instant.

"Roy?" she called as she twisted her head from side to side, "Roy where are you?"

She found Roy's dressing gown strewn across the floor at the foot of the bed.

There was a brief period of silence, where Riza let her body slow down so she could think. It was broken by the sound of something falling in the bathroom and shuffling feet. Riza pulled out her gun and began moving cautiously toward the bathroom door.

It was open, but it was hard to see in with the way the wall curved.

"Hello?" she called.

Something else fell and broke, but the footsteps stopped.

"This is the military, you are trespassing! Return the Brigad…ier…"

As Riza rounded the corner she saw something that neither her heart nor mind could believe. Roy was standing naked in the bathroom, holding the broken pieces of a shattered soap dispenser. He looked as though he were a dear caught in the glaring headlights of an oncoming car.

"R… Roy?" she said slowly as the re-holstered her gun.

Roy backed into the wall. When he realized he could go no further he shielded his face with his arms and sank to the ground; he was shaking with fear.

"Roy," she whispered as she approached him slowly, "It's me, Colonel Hawkeye…"

Roy rolled over into a fetal position, grabbing his hair with his hands, pulling at it hard, but not hard enough to rip it all from its roots.

"It's Riza…"

The shaking stopped. He unfolded just enough to see Hawkeye standing beside the toilet. Her arms were stretched out to him. But he just stared.

"Roy," she said as she knelt down by his side, "how do you feel? You've been out for a very long time."

Roy covered his eyes once more.

Riza placed her hand gently on his shoulder. Roy clammed up even more.

Riza quickly realize that there was something very wrong with him. She got up and left the bathroom. She walked over to Roy's bed and picked up the phone. She called the main desk and told them to send the doctor who had been caring for Roy to his room.

The doctor entered the room in a bustling manor.

"Where is he?" he breathed as soon as he saw the empty bed.

"In the bathroom…"

"How…"

"Just look."

She led him into the bathroom where Roy was lying. They both gazed at him a moment before the doctor spoke.

"Did you talk to him at all?"

"I… I told him who I was and he looked at me with this empty, almost soulless, gaze. Its like he doesn't know who I am…"

"Amnesia," the doctor said firmly.

"What?"

"The impact to his skull messed something up in his brain. He's forgotten everything, possibly even how to speak. It's an expected out come. If he did survive, we knew there would be problems. Retardation, memory loss, paralyzation… any number of things could have happened. Obviously he's not paralyzed. Retardation may still be the case, but his inability to recall who you are leads me to believe that it's simply amnesia, in which case we are very lucky."

"How is that lucky?" she yelled even though she told herself not to.

"Amnesia isn't always permanent. He may eventually begin to recall things from his past, big events mostly. He may not ever remember any the small stuff. He just needs something to stimulate him, something to guide him…" the doctor looked over at Riza.

She didn't notice the doctor's gaze. Her mind was already flooded with all sorts of strange thoughts and feelings.

The doctor knew that she hadn't registered much of what he had said. He laid a hand on her shoulder and she turned to him in surprise.

"For now, let's just get him back into his bed."

Roy didn't fight them as they lifted him up and carried him all the way over to his bed. They laid him down and pulled the disheveled covers over his body. He looked out at them with such emptiness.

"So…"

"Therapy. It's all we can do. It would help if you came around more often to try and help him get his voice back at least," Riza nodded stiffly, "I know this hurts, having to reteach a loved one everything all over again and I'm sorry. You know that the best thing for him is to be around you, and I trust that to be an accurate analysis," Riza nodded stiffly again, "So?"

"What?"

"Will you keep him company? Help him get it back together so he can at least live a life, even if it isn't his old one?"

Riza thought a moment. She knew what she wanted to say, but the words got stuck on the back of her tongue.

"Yes," she wheezed, "I'll help him live his life."

**ROY'S FIRST WORDS**

Riza was never sure that anything she said to him was ever getting through. He always had that blank stare. But she wasn't about to give up. Riza Hawkeye wasn't one to abandon her duties to a superior officer. But it was getting to be extremely tedious. Roy was generally silent. He made some noises that resembled words when he was hungry or need to be taken to the bathroom.

_At least I didn't have to potty train him…_

It was December now and Christmas was coming. Riza wanted to ask the doctor if she could take Roy home for the holiday which was still weeks away, but she didn't want to hear him say no.

She worked hard with Roy. She was going to get him talking by the end of the month. Riza had never raised children.

She walked in on the twelfth, laden with books to help her reteach Roy the English language. He was sitting up in his bed fumbling with a cup of pudding.

"Here."

She took the cup and held it so he could access it better. He picked up the spoon slowly and scooped up some of the pudding and directed it into his mouth. He had also remembered how to feed himself, for the most part. He still had a complex with spoon in Jell-o and fork in salad. She was happy to find him struggling with a spoon in his hand.

Once he was done, Riza pulled over a nearby desk and laid her books out on it.

"Okay, Roy, let's begin."

Riza began pulling out flash cards and colored wooden shapes. Roy looked at her with awe as she emptied the apparently never-ending bag.

"First, we started the other day with colors, right?" Roy just stared, "Alright, let's begin shapes _and_ colors."

Roy began to fiddle with his sheets in his hands. He rolled one of the corners into a tight little twist. He rolled it between his fingers; he liked the feeling.

"Roy! Please pay attention!" she said firmly.

Roy looked at her for a moment and then returned to playing with his bed sheets.

"Please, Roy, you need to learn! Do you ever want to get out of here?"

Roy hung his head low. He never liked it when Riza yelled.

"Look, Roy, what do you see on this card?"

She held up a flash card with a black and white cow on it. Roy looked at it for a moment and then looked over at the empty pudding cup where his plastic spoon was sitting. He reached over and picked it up. He stuck it in his mouth and smiled widely at Riza.

"Please, Roy," she stated as she yanked the spoon from his mouth, "I want to be able to take you home for a while, but the doctor won't let me if you can't speak. Please work with me, Roy."

Roy's face became solemn and serious. Riza recognized the face as the Roy he never let people see. For an instant, she thought she was talking to good old Roy again. But the gaze turned down to look at the spoon in her hand. He reached out to her, but she drew it back.

"Do you want this, Roy?" He moaned as he stretched his arm out as far as it would go, "Then ask for it."

Roy continued to reach for the spoon, making all sorts of grunting and moaning noises.

"Say 'please'," she instructed him.

"P… p… Wa…"

Riza thought she was making progress. Roy was beginning to cry in frustration.

"You won't get it until you say 'please'."

"Puh… Plae…"

"Please."

"Ple… as…"

"Put it together…"

"Please, Riza… Wa… Want it!"

Riza was awestruck. Those were the first words out of his mouth in months. She lowered the spoon in her daze and Roy pulled it violently from her hand.

"Roy, what is that?" she said pointing to the spoon.

"White," he said.

"That's its color, but what is it?"

Roy studied it closely.

"I'll get you more pudding if you can tell me what that is."

"F… N… F… Fork!"

"No," Riza sighed.

"Spoon?"

She looked up at him again.

"Yes, Roy, that's a spoon. Spoon," she said as she picked up the hand that held it.

"Spoon," he repeated.

There was silence. They were both amazed. Riza was finally being rewarded for all her time and Roy had said his first word.

_This is good, _she thought, _we've broken the first barrier. Now I just have to expound upon it…_

"Who am I, Roy?"

"Roy," he said slowly.

"No. You said it before, when you wanted the spoon…"

"Fork?"

Riza shook her head.

"Pu… Pud… Pud?"

"The word is 'pudding' and that's not who I am."

"Doctor?"

Riza looked at him. He must have been listening to what she had been saying all along.

"No, I'm not the doctor…"

"Riza?"

It felt good to hear him say her name again.

"Yes," she breathed, "I am Riza. Who are you?" She put her hand out form him to shake.

"Roy," he said instantly.

She picked up his hand and shook it, "Nice to meet you, Roy."

**RECOLLECTION**

Christmas was just around the corner. When Riza wasn't with Roy she was preparing for the holiday. She was happy. Roy was talking again. Sometimes it didn't always make sense, but he was talking in full sentences. He could even carry on a conversation. She was on her way to the hospital now. The weather was terrible. They had moved Roy out of the infirmary and into a more comfortable recovery room.

She ran up the flights of stairs and straight into his room. He was sitting on the edge of his bed looking down at the floor.

"Hey, Roy," she said cheerily as she entered the room.

"Hello, Riza Hawkeye."

She couldn't seem to get him to just call her by her first name.

"So what's on the agenda for today?"

"I want to go for a walk, Riza Hawkeye. The snow… I want to feel it."

"I'll have to talk to your nurse before we can go out, but I'm sure she'll let me take you for a walk."

Roy smiled.

"So, what do you think?"

"About?"

"I don't know… the snow. What do you think about it?"

"I like it," he said as if he wasn't too sure.

Riza sat down beside him and looked him in the face. They both smiled. It was amusing for some reason. They sat quietly watching the snow fall to the ground through Roy's window.

"Riza Hawkeye?"

"Yes, Roy?"

"How many snows have I seen?"

Riza just looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Before I forgot, how many snows did I see?"

"The doctor told you then?"

He nodded.

"Well, you don't have to worry about the past. We'll put a new past together as we go on into the future…"

Roy nodded, "But I still want to know."

Riza thought a moment.

"This is your thirty-fourth winter."

"I'm old."

She laughed, "No older than me and I like to think I'm pretty young!"

Roy smiled again.

"Do you think it will get better?"

"What?"

"The weather. The snow is falling a lot really fast… Nurse told me that it's hard to drive in the snow," Riza nodded, "I hope it does let up so we can go for a walk…"

"I hope so, too, Roy. But in the mean time, I brought a board game."

"Is it fun?"

"I like it, but I think it drove you insane."

Roy watched her pull a board out of her bag. She unfolded it to reveal lots of squares; some were red and some were black. Then she took a smaller bag that produced lots of different pieces; some red and some black.

"Which do you want?"

"What is the difference?"

"I guess it's just the color."

Roy thought a moment, "I don' know which one I like more…"

"Well, here's a little thing children say: 'Fire turns to coal, but coal fuels the fire.' Red is fire and black is coal…."

As she spoke, Roy felt something surface in the back of his mind…

_Flames… _he thought.

"Fire," he murmured aloud.

"You want to be red then?"

Roy thought for another moment. The vision came and went, but he remembered what he saw.

_Buildings on fire… Frightened people…_

Roy didn't like the feeling so he stuffed it back in his mind for latter examination.

"Yeah, I'll be red."

After the first few games, Roy was beginning to get the hang of it. They played until the blizzard tapered off into a light flurry. By then Riza hated Checkers. Roy was brand new to it and he was slaughtering her.

"Alright, that's enough," she said finally when Roy beat her for the fifth time in a row, "The snow's weaker now. Let me go find to the nurse and see if we can go for our walk."

Roy laughed, "But I'm just starting to enjoy myself!"

"Yeah, at my expense. You hang out. I'll be right back."

Riza stepped out of the room leaving Roy alone, looking out his window.

She found the nurse just down the hall, tending to another patient. Riza waited until she was done before she addressed the matter as to why she was there.

"Um… Hi. You remember me…"

"Mustang's mentor?"

"I guess you could say that. What I want to ask you is if I can take Roy for a walk…"

"On hospital grounds…"

"He wants to see the town…"

The nurse shook her head.

"We have strict policies when it comes to patient discharge…"

"But I'm not taking him out forever. I'll bring him back…"

"Sorry, insurance reasons."

The nurse turned away, trying to get away from Riza.

"Now see here, I'm a ranking member of the military…

"And that means what to me?"

Riza was silent. She was enraged, embarrassed, and totally upset all at once.

As the nurse turned to get away, Roy's doctor happened to show up.

"Is there something wrong, ladies? I heard a lot of barking, I just want to make sure everything's okay."

"Thank you for showing up at just the right time," the nurse said angrily, "Please inform this 'ranking officer of the military' as to our policies regarding patient…"

"What do you plan on doing with him?" he asked as he turned to Riza.

"He wants to take a walk through town. We won't be long, I'll bring him back, I promise…"

The doctor raised a hand to silence her.

"No need to explain. It's understandable if Roy takes a little absence from his check ups. We'll just do it tomorrow."

With that he walked away leaving the nurse with a gaping jaw.

"But, Doctor…"

"Angie, I think you're needed in room 102. Why don't you go about your business and let me worry about the rules and regulations," he said over his shoulder.

Angie huffed and cursed as she took her cart and wheeled it away, making sure to glance back at Riza one last time with a rather angry face. Riza just smiled and hurried back into Roy's room.

"We can go. Let's put this away and then we can head out."

They put the board and its pieces back into their bag. Riza pulled the cord and it closed.

She was getting on her jacket when she realized that Roy couldn't go anywhere. He was in a white dressing gown that tied up in the back. He had no shoes or proper clothing. She was about to inform Roy of his predicament when a nurse walked into the room.

"These are the Brigadier's uniform," she said quietly as she laid the uniform on a table by the door, "We've cleaned them so they should be just fine."

Roy looked at the pile of blue cloth.

"Uniform?"

Riza looked at him. She had hoped that they could bypass the whole military thing, but apparently she didn't have that luxury.

"Yes, Roy, your uniform. You're a soldier, like me…"

Roy didn't seem to take it too well. His eyes widened and glazed over. The vision of the burning buildings returned to him. Only this time, people were burning too. Roy closed his eyes tightly and tried to push the vision back, but it was so vivid… so real…

Riza could see that something was wrong. She put her hand on his shoulder and told him that everything would be okay. When Roy finally became fully conscious again, he heard her ask if he still wanted to go for a walk. He smiled weakly and nodded his head.

The nurse left and Riza helped Roy squirm into his old uniform. When he was dressed, he looked into the full mirror that was in the bathroom. He thought he looked good in the uniform, but he would do anything to get out of it. With it came a sickening feeling that Roy never recalled feeling. He stuffed his hands into his coat jacket and found something soft in each one. He pulled the things out. They were gloves. They were white with a strange design on them. The burning people resurfaced in his mind. It was guilt. The feeling was guilt… The gloves, himself, and the fires were intertwined, but he couldn't understand how. He brought the gloves out to Riza and showed them to her.

"Those… well… I'll just take those for now," she took the gloves from him and stuffed them into her pockets.

"What did the symbols mean?"

"Don't worry, it has nothing to do with you," she plastered a smile on her face.

Roy knew she was lying, but he didn't feel like pressing the subject.

He was beginning to overheat in the clothes he was wearing.

"I'm getting hot, let's just go…"

**REALIZATION**

Roy decided that he liked snow. It was light and fluffy and it could be molded into the perfect projectiles.

Bystanders watched the strange sight from afar. Two military officers in full uniform were throwing snowballs at each other. They were rolling in the snow like children. It was odd, but strangely comforting.

Finally, Roy bounced to his feet and announced that he was done.

"Good," Riza mumbled as she stood up, wiping the snow off her uniform, "I'm getting cold and you must be getting cold too. Perhaps we should start heading back to the…"

"Are you kidding? This is wonderful!" he announced in his "serious" voice.

Riza smiled and laughed.

"But I'm hungry. Let's go somewhere to eat…"

"No, Roy. I have to bring you back to the hospital soon…"

"Soon, but not now."

He was right.

"Alright. We'll walk. There's a nice little restaurant a few blocks down from here. We can eat there."

Roy nodded in agreement.

As they walked they passed an alley where Roy stopped and refused to move.

"What's wrong, Roy?"

"This… This is where it happened…"

"What, Roy?"

He remembered. There was a man… and a… a shovel… It was dark… he could barely see… The man called him the "Flame Alchemist"…

"Riza Hawkeye?"

"Roy, please just call me Riza…"

"Riza?"

There was a pause.

"Who is the Flame Alchemist?"

Riza stared at him with large eyes. How could he remember that? The doctor did say that memory would slowly return.

"Am I the Flame Alchemist?"

Riza sighed.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I hurt someone and they hurt me back… That's why I can't remember… Did the Flame Alchemist kill people?"

Riza didn't know what to say. She really wished that these questions had never come. She didn't want to see him in such pain again.

She breathed the words into the frozen air.

Roy gazed at her.

"Yes," she wheezed.

" 'Yes' to what? Am I the Flame Alchemist? Did I kill people?"

"Yes to everything," she cried, "But so did I. I killed people too. It was a war, Roy. You followed your orders…"

"That's why I can't remember. They wanted me dead, but they actually did me a favor; they made me forget everything…"

"Who?"

"How should I know? I didn't even know I was a soldier! That I killed people! That I'm… the Flame Alchemist, whatever that means, either way it must be bad…"

"And if it were up to me I'd make you forget it all over again! For good!"

Riza was crying… again…

_I must really love him. The bastard makes me cry so much…_

Roy was shocked by her response. He really didn't think that he deserved to be yelled at, but then again, what did he know?

"Let's go back to the hospital. I think you should get some rest."

Riza took his arm and lead him back down the streets.

**REJECTION**

Roy was staying with Riza now. They were both very happy to be away from the hospital. Black Hayate was happy to see Roy again, so happy that he peed on his boots.

They were decorating the Christmas tree that Roy dragged home one day after hear Riza explain Christmas. She laughed when he heaved the huge tree into the corner of the den.

They were putting the lights on. It wasn't easy. The cords were all tangled up. So Roy did what he thought was best: he threw them out and got new ones.

They were just getting the cord around for the fifth time and one of the bulbs blew. To Roy, it sounded like the snapping of fingers and he saw the flames again. He jumped back and moved rather quickly down the hall and into his room.

Riza unplugged coiled up the excess wires and went down the hall after Roy.

"What's wrong?" she asked kindly as she sat beside him on his bed.

"The… the snapping and the flames… They go together… I killed people by snapping flames out of my fingers…"

"No, Roy…"

Roy picked up his hand and snapped his fingers. Nothing happened. He gawked at the wall that wasn't burned.

"Wha…"

"The gloves, Roy," Riza sighed, "You need the gloves."

"But…"

"And I'm not giving them to you. You don't need them."

She put her arm around his shoulder. He relaxed a bit and then laid his face in his hand.

"I deserve to die," he mumbled into his hands, "I deserve to suffer…"

"No, Roy, that isn't true…"

"Someone obviously believed it to be true!"

He looked up at her with tear-stained cheeks.

"But its not, Roy. That's wrong of them to believe that."

Riza pulled him closer and rocked him gently.

"Let's take a brake and get something to eat."

Roy nodded weakly.

They wandered slowly into the kitchen. Riza put a pot on the stove to heat up some soup. The sight of the flames leaping up at the pot made Roy uneasy.

"Why don't you go turn on the radio? Maybe it'll take some edge off."

Roy nodded. Why not? He would be thankful for any respite from all these terrible memories.

He sat on the couch and invited Black Hayate to join him. The dog leapt up and settled into his lap.

"Aren't you a bit big for that?" he asked playfully.

Black Hayate just looked up at him with a silly dog smile.

Roy reached over and turned the radio on. He went through the channels until they began to repeat. If there wasn't static, it was the news and Roy really didn't want to hear about the world. He turned it off and sat peacefully at Black Hayate's side.

Roy was dozing off until the foul stench of something burning wafted by. He jumped to his feet and ran into the kitchen. Riza watched him run in with a wild look in his eyes.

"What's wrong Roy?

He saw flames. He saw fire breaking down buildings. He saw fire tearing away at people's flesh. He didn't want to see it. He didn't ask to see this. Why was he seeing all this?

"I don't want this!" he yelled as he covered his ears, "Please! I don't want this! Go away!"

With that, he bolted out of the house and into the frigid winter air.

**RED EYES**

Roy wandered the streets. He was alone, cold, and hungry. He wrapped his arms around his shoulders in a futile attempt to keep warm.

The cold quickly seeped into his bones. He could feel the whole frame of his body shake.

But the walk was necessary. He needed to clear his mind. All this stuff about fire was driving him mad. If that was who he was, he thought it would be better off if he didn't remember… Even if that meant leaving Riza.

He sighed. His warm breath condensed into the cool air forming tiny clouds that drifted away from him.

_I want to forget… I just want to forget…_

If only the world were that kind.

As Roy passed the alley where it had happened, he decided to venture down it. Not far in, he saw dull red speckles on the dumpster and the wall behind it. His mind began to hurt. His hand moved directly to the area of impact. He could have sworn that he felt the hot red liquid leaking down the back of his neck. But when he looked at his hand again it was clean. He began to feel as though he were being watched. He turned around quickly. All he saw was a lone shovel leaning against the wall across form him. He remembered the shovel against his head. He was becoming hot with rage. He wanted the man who did this to him to show his face. He wanted to believe that his attacker had some back bone. He wanted to ask his assailant as to why he didn't make sure the deed was done. Roy wished that either he were dead or none of this had ever happened.

Down a branch of the alley, he saw something move. Roy rushed down the alley only to find another dark alley branching off from it. He was getting sick of this deception.

"Come out," he roared, "I don't plan on chasing you any more. Show yourself! Prove that you have some guts!"

He saw something down the alley move.

"It's not like I can harm you, I don't remember how…"

"You…" the voice shook, "You are not dead… But how?"

"You were sloppy. It's just that simple," Roy murmured quietly to himself.

"You should talk! You burned down an entire village and left the bodies of the singed to die! You made them suffer! You made me suffer! Of all the alchemists that ever lived, you are the most vile. Using that which nature created to kill! Fire is the weapon of demons. You wield it as if you were one… like it doesn't matter…"

Roy was suffering through a serious shock and awe.

"Why… Why couldn't we discuss this before you slammed me in the head with a shovel!"

The man just stared at him.

"Did _you _discuss it with _us _before you destroyed our entire village?"

Roy thought about it a minute. He wasn't quite sure of what the man was talking about, but he was pretty sure that he didn't discuss anything with any villagers.

"I guess I didn't," he said to his shoes.

The man came out of the shadows. His red eyes drilled into Roy's soul.

"Let me guess, you can't remember anything," he said slyly.

Roy nodded. His head felt as though it was going to break off his neck at any minute.

"Lucky bastard. I remember everything…"

"Do you think I wanted to forget?" The blood filled his face.

"Of course you did! Every soldier wants to forget the terrible things they've done. But I wanted you dead…"

"In my opinion, death would have been merciful," Roy directed his voice away from the man, "Learning about your terrible life from a third person view point really makes you realize how shitty it really is. Isn't this punishment enough? Making me relive my entire life in a series of nightmares and visions? Please, I know that there is nothing I can do to repair the damage I've done, but don't you think I've suffered enough? I hate myself! And the worst thing you could do for me would be to let me live my life. That's all I can ask for," his breath drifted into the sky.

The man's brown skin stood out from the white snow flakes that plummeted from the sky.

"In time, you will remember what I remember. Only then will I be satisfied with your so called _suffering_."

The two men glared at each other. Both seeing pain and hatred in the other's eyes. Both seeing lives that were torn to pieces by a war that raged long ago. Through the silence a pact was made. The Flame Alchemist turned from the man and left the alley, abandoning the last of his ignorance.

**STARTING OVER**

Roy woke up on Christmas. He cursed at nothing for the terrible gift he had received. He remembered. He remembered everything. The time of peaceful ignorance had finally abandoned him. He shook for a moment as all the wild imagery arranged itself in his mind. And then he was calm.

Roy stumbled out of the bedroom and into the den where a monstrous tree stood. A guardian angel stood atop the tree; looking down at him with its ceramic smile,mocking his very existence. He returned a raw grimace to the ornament and went into the kitchen.

Riza was sitting at the little table, sipping her coffee. Roy glanced quickly out the window, only to find a bunch of children playing in the snow. Riza looked up at him from her steaming mug.

"Good…" her voice was run over by Roy's.

"I remember, Riza. I remember everything…" the shaking started again, "I didn't ask to forget, but I didn't ask to remember either…"

Riza stood up from her chair and wrapped her arms around Roy's shoulders.

"I didn't ask for this life…"

"None of us did, Roy. None of us asked for what happened to us. Be thankful that you're alive…"

"But I killed so many others…"

"Roy. You can't do anything to repair what any of us have done. We just have to go on with our lives regardless of the nightmares…"

"I can't," he breathed into his collar.

"Yes you can…"

"How? How can I continue to go on with this… This! All of this!"

"You can, trust me," she spoke into the back of his neck.

Roy shook his head tiredly.

"I can't…"

"You can. And you will. I'm here for you Roy and I don't plan on leaving you now. I know it sounds corny, but we can get through this together. Please, Roy, give me a chance to help you. Let me help you again…"

The tears began to roll.

Riza spun him around so that she could see into his eyes.

"I love you, Roy. All I want to do is make you happy…"

Roy glanced around her at the table. A small red bag sat on it.

"What's that?" Roy asked without removing his gaze from the tiny bag.

Riza turned and sniffed, "I'm not sure it was the right thing to do, but…" she picked up the bag and handed it to Roy.

He pulled the cord slowly and reached inside. His hand was met with the familiar texture of ignition cloth. He pulled an empty had out and closed the bag once more.

"I'm tired," he said softly as he let the bag slide out of his fingers.

Riza looked down at the small red bag. They were once Roy's most prized possessions. Now, now they lay on the floor like common rubbish. Riza had never been so happy in her entire life.

"Let's start over," Roy said as he gripped her shoulders, "Let's start from square one."

Riza nodded painfully, "Alright."

They both closed their eyes. When they opened them, they were looking into the same eyes as before.

"Well, hello there," Roy said with a smile on his face.

"Hi," Riza said softly.

"The name's Mustang, Roy Mustang," he put a hand out for her to take.

"Riza," she murmured, "Riza Hawkeye."

"Nice to meet you, Riza."

**BEGIN...

* * *

**

AUTHOR'S NOTES: Too long? Need chapters to break it up? I put it up all at once in a sort of mad rush. Let me know if there is a continuity problem or if something doesn't make sense. Any comments are appreciated. I love creative critism.


End file.
